Random venting/ranting update
So…Willie and I had our baby shower yesterday. It was pretty cute & stuff. I haven’t been posting much or even been on here lately, & I apologize. We’ve been doing well…& the baby is due ANY DAY NOW. My anxiety is horrible! My fear of childbirth is still pretty intense, & I’ve already had a pretty good amount of false alarms. The pain I’ve experienced during those falsies has me even more scared of what the real thing will be like! This was a miserable experience. Not just because of the emotional stress, but the physical pain! It hurts to walk even…I want it over with :(. I’m still losing weight…but my baby is healthy. :]. We’ve been getting things together…I’m still struggling with names! Apparently my “exotic name” idea is thrown out the window, & my mom & I are just going for a pretty “professional” sounding name that would guarantee a future…I did want the foreign name though. It’s just that she wants my grandpa’s name incorporated into the middle name, which totally throws off the whole thing :(. She’s come up with several names, but I wasn’t liking them too much o_o lol. Ugh…I’ve also been feeling pretty down, because I’ve noticed that people that I really thought were my friend/cared have deleted me off of Facebook (yeah, I get weird about that…) & I’ve been feeling taken advantage of, because of the fact I have a car & some don’t again…& I have a hard time saying “no”. & it makes me so damn depressed, because even though they know I’m due any day now, they still selfishly ask for rides……even to my own shower, & one almost didn’t even come, because I couldn’t take her. One owes me money, & said she had it, but I haven’t heard from her since she told me she was trying to give it to me (yeah right)…& I’ve also felt down thinking about how much I’ve done for others in the past, but I get the shot end of the stick nowadays. I’ve realized that one “friend” in particular, who was talking crap about me recently (I think I mentioned that), when I was employed & in school, I used to do so much for her, & never held anything back. & whenever I would get prescribed my “good” medications for my disorders, I’d share them with her…like actual Fucking handfuls! She’d ask for money & junk like that (even though she had), & because I loved and cared about her, I’d give….now, she’d blow tons of money on pills & will only share one or two if, if I’m lucky…& she’d get me dollar menu shit, or $5 here and there (tf??) It damn near makes me feel like some sort of…I don’t even know. Like…I just look at shit like that. I feel like pretty much everybody is fake…certain people that I was sure would show up to support me at the shower didn’t, but I guess it’s okay. & now I find myself wanting to remain to myself & my child more than ever. I wish I could be stingy & an asshole, but sadly I can’t. I always end up feeling guilty when I shouldn’t. It needs to end. Maybe I should just try to force myself to remain in my own world…take care of the baby, work out constantly to keep my mind off of things…start back working next year…finish up these 3 classes so I can get my degree, & get my medications situated before next year starts…I think like that, but I have the hardest time putting it into action. Willie’s expressed his feelings a lot lately, & he’s been very supportive. VERY. & it makes me feel good…he’s even said he’s behind me 100% with whatever I decide to do…I hope it lasts. I really do…I’ve been feeling really icky and turned off lately by so called friends…but it shows me that they probably really aren’t made for me. Yeah…
Random Sex Update lol
I just got done having hardcore anal sex…it’s nothing new, but for some reason I always have to sort of “ease” into it like I’ve never done it before…my guy is crazy about it. He gets sooooo turned on by Fucking me in my ass…& I’m a freak, so I love playing with his ass too. It makes me feel good that he’s open to it. No, I don’t go as far as strapping him or anything…just basic stuff ;). We have really kinky sex…& we have a lot of fetishes we enjoy playing out on each other…I just can’t imagine myself never NOT being so sexually attracted to him. Idk what it is. I tell him maybe it’s because he’s so…idk “wimpy” & adorable in a way…he calls himself my “punk ass boyfriend” lol. I remember when we first started dating, when I would slap the shit out of him & even in front of his friends & they’d all be like “daaaaaamn”, then we’d do it lol. Ugh…idk. I’m just glad our relationship is okay and I hope it continues to get better. Time is winding down for our little one…and this journey has been something serious! I’m tired of hurting, & I want my body back lol. I had an ultrasound done today, bc I was scared of things…being that I’ve been on so many meds…my mom was concerned too. I’m so relieved and happy that he is as healthy as can be! He has a huge head lol! William says he’s definitely my baby…bc he has my head, nose, big ass feet…& just everything (according to him & the others I’ve shown lmao)…it makes me blush and giggle lol. Well, I hope you all are doing alright as well. I’ve been kinda ignoring Tumblr :(. Didn’t notice…well
So, a little while ago, I decided to join a Borderline Personality Disorder group on Facebook…I haven’t posted anything on it. I just browse around, & get a little annoyed by the members and what they post…& all of the rules & junk. There’s so many rules. I wanna comment on some things sometimes, but I don’t, because I’m kinda scared I guess. Well…everyday has been really nice so far. Willie and I have been doing really wonderfully, & so has his family with me. His sister is throwing me a baby shower next month. It amazes me how fast my baby is approaching. In the mean time, I’ve been trying to ask as many mothers as possible about their labor Experiences, because I’m still super duper scared. Every moment I feel like I’ll be able to go through with it, I start imagining myself going into labor & scare myself all over again :’(. I hate it…I hope it won’t be that bad. I’ve heard many say it’s not what they expected, so maybe I can get through it fine too…I just want this to be over so I can have my body back. I’m tired of the pain and extreme fatigue & other probs :(. I stopped taking my seroquel…the doc didn’t stop me, but I did, because I couldn’t stand it. I’ve been kind of okay without it, but because my relationship has been on point. Well…hopefully things will stay okay…at least for a little while longer.
I haven’t been writing too much on here lately, because I’ve actually been rather content with things. Well, some of you may be glad to hear, & some may not be so glad, but he has come back to his senses, & is trying to be a better person again, & things have actually been a lot better between us…& well, there’s also others who want to be here for me & I guess kind of take his place, but I’m just so stuck on him & wanting things with him, because we’ve put so much into our relationship, & I don’t wanna let go & neither does he.:(. The only thing that’s been bothering me is the fact that our families are pretty torn over the dumb things that have been going on, which is totally understandable. Of course my mom wants me to have nothing to do with him, & his mom doesn’t feel that way; however, we still don’t communicate since that big misunderstanding from a few months ago. I just don’t know how this will turn out. Another thing I think about is losing someone better because I can’t get enough of him :(. It’s like…am I making the right decision or not? I want to continue things to see if his change of heart is here to stay & if we can be the way we used to be, but I don’t wanna miss out on something that’s guaranteed happiness :(. The attraction just isn’t mutual, you know?:(… well, I guess time will tell. It’s hard telling people about these feelings and situations, but as Usual, I’d rather tell you guys, because you’re more understanding & a lot of you are going through or have went through the same things…& experience these awful disorders. In a way I feel stupid, but I just love him lots…idk :(