I Fucking Understand, but Damn!!
I’m tired of what seems like every Fucking day, my mom talking about how much my Fucking relationship won’t work. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about “what I COULD be doing” or “what I COULD have”—LIKE I DON’T THINK ABOUT MY MISTAKES EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF MY GODDAMN LIFE. Wtf do you think I’m seeing Fucking doctors?! So I can attempt to get my mind back on track, so I can get back to my nice, more stable, FULLY functioning self! Ugh! I completely understand that you’re tired of seeing me hurting & crying, but I just wanna try to work shit out with him, the same that he does with me! Quit saying “IT’LL NEVER CHANGE/GET BETTER” or “HOW MANY CHANCES ARE YOU GONNA GIVE HIM!!!” or asking me to Fucking count how many chances I’ve given him in the last three years..! & then topping everything off with how desperate you think I am and tons of other hurtful shit that causes me to wanna freak out & feel like Fucking shit!!!!! Why can’t I try! He’s Fucking trying! We really want to stay together! Quit thinking all of this crap, because I’m tired of it! When I’m feeling “up” about shit, I wanna continue to try and feel that way! You don’t understand that. I’m pessimistic as hell! Can I be optimistic at least for a damn moment??? I KNOW I’ve given him tons of chances, & that we’ve had nasty fall outs & other shit! I FUCKING KNOW! I’m in the goddamn relationship with him!! HOW CAN I NOT KNOW?! I just see now, that shit has to be extremely private I guess……..I’ll continue to vent on here, & maybe to one friend…but other than that, just screw everyone else. People would rather see us together than not together, and some would rather see the opposite. Idk…I don’t care. I’m just determined to see how things will go when we have OUR OWN…When he’s working again and feeling better about his self because he can provide again…and much more. I wanna see…I would like to take a chance. He really loves me and Tyler…My whole mood is just so thrown off, because it’s like my mom and I argue about how cruddy my relationship is every single Fucking day. :’(…does anyone else go through this? Having a pretty rough relationship & arguing about this kinda stuff, because people basically think you’re stupid because you wanna stay?? It sucks…you would like to believe in that person and have faith that things would change…but you’re constantly hearing it won’t & why it won’t…and it hurts..and makes you feel more stupid than you did before. :(. Yeah……idk…I just hope it’ll work…and if not, then Fuck it
Excuse the grammatical errors, but I’m kinda panicking…
Omg……dude………he came over saying how much he missed me and that he loves me and asked if I still loved him & says he still wants to marry me………………and that we’re still together and he loves and wants to be with me forever…..and that he’s so sorry for everything and other stuff…and says he wants another baby with me…..and then started talking about plans for the next baby………………………….and says we have no more problems and then started telling me about how court went and talked about what’s going to be happening within the next two weeks and on…..and says after I have this next baby we’re BOTH getting fixed…..and…then started planning out our future…….and and and wtf!!!!!! Like……it was so random…………he was so vulnerable…..like he came over like he just seriously missed the hell out of me…like he was miserable without me….& he even told me how bad things are without me & actually told me why he wants to stay with me & talked about how he hates my mom hates him again & how he misses sleeping with me…and dude like….um….like…..I don’t understand, but okay.
I have a list of regrets about things I haven’t even mentioned on here, because the things I’ve mentioned on here would have never happened in my life if I had taken a different door, but I won’t mention everything. I have two major fuck ups that I think about on the daily. I really do…When I made that first mistake of putting an old relationship before going to my first college of choice to go to theirs instead…& when I made the mistake of leaving a perfect relationship & a perfect happy world for a really shitty girl…which caused me to break someone’s heart so badly, they went into a deep depression & is now making some other bitch’s dreams come true. Then, my karma was everything that has happened afterwards, I guess…I still haven’t learned my lesson, now that I think about it. Quit putting everyone else before yourself!! Once you realize that person sucks, just quit it! Oh, & if they’re giving you less than what goodness you’ve received in previous good/nice/decent relationships, then quit. That’s the lesson…yeah. I need to get that…now, it’s me & Tyler…I definitely need to grasp that lesson, so he won’t end up having a cruddy life, because…I’m making awful decisions based on a broken heart. :(. Good things will hopefully come back my way…& I truly hope that once I get back on the right track, that I’ll stay that way. I saw my therapist this morning. At 8:00…the earliest I could go. I spoke to her like I do on this website basically…I normally wouldn’t do that, but I was so broken and fed up…she said I’m extremely “manic”…I guess so. She said things I needed to hear. There’s so much I wanna say, but thinking about it is making my chest hurt…ugh. I get my body checked out about that cyst tomorrow morning. Let’s hope for some not so scary news..! Yeah…anyway…bye I guess :/ love y’all.