If you ever get the chance to make it into this world, I just want you to know that despite all of the pain and torment I’ve been going through while carrying you, does not make me hate you. I know almost everyday I speak of not wanting you anymore…and I’m sorry. I’m just always hurting and going through things with your “dad”. I’m sorry you have to hear and feel me crying so much. I’m sorry you have to hear and feel me fussing and fighting. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the happy emotions you deserve, but your grandma and I do love you very much. I’ve asked and begged for many many years for this time to come, and I just feel so bad that it’s during a time of such corruption in my life. You deserve better, my child, and soon you’ll be here for me to love unconditionally, and for you to love me the same in return. I don’t ever want you to feel how I feel…I want you to be a happy baby and not depressed like mommy. I want your preciousness and joy to rub off on me & give me life again, and motivate me to want to get out of this slump…I hope that you make it, bc all of these problems and complications scare me…I love you dearly…and I’m ready for your arrival. & in the end, it’s just me, you, & your grandma.
I wish I would’ve gone the opposite direction.
I wish I would’ve thought twice…
I wish I would’ve ignored your presence.
But back then, everything about you seemed nice.
I wish I would’ve said no.
But for the moment, my heart said yes.
Now I’m sitting here hoping & wishing
For the best…
I know everything happens for a reason
And sometimes people change like the seasons…
But I was so naive and blinded
That I looked past all of the reasons.-Crappy off the top of my mind poetry…
I feel like a part of me has died. Everything that I once believed in has rotted to pieces. All of the love that I have inside of me is worthless, and every ounce of hope has left the door. I am not afraid to say that I have regrets. I’m not afraid to say I hold grudges. I’m not afraid to say I wish I never crossed paths with some people. I think of where I used to be in life & where I was headed each & everyday. I’m just forever living in the past and my daydreams, but I’m so down and out that I can’t find the motivation to be the way I once was…my relationship is completely down hill…and is seeming fucked up to the fullest. Each and everyday is full of heartache and tears…and I don’t want to continue or go any further with somebody who doesn’t realize his wrongs or wants to blame me for everything being wrong…my pregnancy is miserable. It’s terrible…it’s nothing like I imagined, bc I imagined happiness & joy, not pain and suicidal tendencies. Honestly, the only reason I have overdosed again is because of my child…I’ve cut, but I have overdosed…but it’s hard bc I don’t want to live so hard. I used to rely on him as a confidant and shoulder to lean on, but he’s no good for that anymore, bc he abandons me every time I get very depressed…yet he still wants my name tattooed on him & marriage. I don’t understand. I tried sleeping today and actually staying at home. I didn’t go see him today, and I wasn’t going to talk to him, but he wrote me things that hurt my feelings and broke me back down all over again…I wish I just ignored what he wrote me…but I promise I will try harder…I’m mad bc he has my computer and my Xbox…I want to get them, but I don’t wanna see him…….I’m just tired…..I guess I’ll drive over and get them….Idk…just fml
I am now 14 weeks, and every single day has been hellish for me. My relationship has been on it’s last leg for Idk how long, and suddenly, everything has turned into “my fault”. We don’t even live together anymore…he got upset and punched a hole in my mom’s wall…her WALL…my mother and grandfather literally built this house themselves & alone from scratch…it took 7 years. It’s still not even complete, bc my grandfather wanted nobody else to work on it, and now he’s passed away. Can you imagine how she feels? All of that hard work, for a huge hole that goes through the entire wall…I’m hurt myself. He even blamed that on me. I admit, I punched him in his mouth, but if you could’ve seen the whole incident, you’d understand…especially considering my illnesses I guess. I just haven’t been able to cope with anything, and I have honestly been feeling so suicidal. I don’t want to feel this way, bc I have a baby on the way, but the depression is so serious. :( I just want to be happy and feel good. I hear that pregnancy is supposed to be a happy and joyous time, but my time is miserable bc of how things are. I just want us to work, but it’s like I’m trying so hard, and he doesn’t even realize how horrible he’s being. Every time I mention something, it’s flipped…even if it’s not even able to be flipped! I’m on Lamictal now…it’s supposed to be safe, but I read it’s a category C, and I’m a little afraid, but I don’t wanna stop it, bc Idk how withdrawals would be, and I know I need help…well…yeah. I just hope things will change. I don’t want an unhappy child, bc I’m forever stressed and depressed. I feel so guilty for that…help?:(
He just seems like a total piece of shit to me now. Idk what in the world happened to him. He’s just not the same. So, we had this kind of dom-submissive thing going on with our relationship, and he liked it. He told me he completely enjoyed being my “punk, bitchass boyfriend”, and he even apologized and begged to be it again last week…but now he’s just a total idiot, and is way different from what he was. I don’t get why he’d be this way…and why he’d choose to do so while I’m carrying this child, and putting so much stress on my heart. It hurts soooo much. He can see my pain…I’m always expressing it, but he’s been so fucking stupid, that for some reason he just doesn’t get it. It makes me feel like I’m stupid for continuing to even try with him, b/c obviously, he’s just too far gone :(. Idk what to do…and it makes me feel worse about my life. I just wanna feel good and be at least a little happy, but it doesn’t seem like it’ll happen anytime soon. Not only that, but I had to leave my job working as a nurse aide, b/c one of my clients totally sexually harassed me…he made extreme, disturbing sexual advances, masturbated in front of me, forcefully kissed me, attempted to grope me, offered me drugs and money, and then had the nerve to call my boss when I left early, to say he didn’t want me to come back, b/c I left early…wtf. It was the most disgusting thing ever, and it freaked me out so badly, it had me sick (and still does) all fucking weekend. I feel so violated. An old disabled man doing all of this crap to me…When I told my boss, she told me he’s had several nurses, but he’s never done that. Well he told me he finds me extremely attractive, loves black women, and is completely unhappy with his wife (she’s white and plain and boring to him)…So, I don’t understand why you spent 30 something years with her, if you’d rather be with a black woman…it’s insane. It was bad enough going through that, but even worse being lied on b/c I wouldn’t do your favors…:(. I’m just glad my boss knows me and my family really well, and that she didn’t really want me to leave, and offered me another job that’ll be opening soon…it made me feel alot better about the situation. She just said as long as I’m not too big & giggled :3. So, there’s the up side :). Besides feeling like poo…well…that’s about it :/. My internet is off, b/c the bundle package is high as fuck, and can’t be afforded right now, and I stupidly sold my phone, b/c the company it was with was stupid…so now I’m waiting to receive another. He’s supposed to buy me another, but he’s just acting so damned stupid and doesn’t fucking realize it. My life is honestly miserable to me…I know I should be grateful for alot, but I just don’t feel it at all…I wish things would change. Maybe since I’m not working again, I can take this time to start back doing some more of my hobbies to make me feel a little at ease. I wish I could handle taking my Ambien, but for some reason it’s like my body is rejecting it, and just the thought of putting it in my mouth makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I’ve researched it, and it’s supposed to be pretty safe for pregnancy and I didn’t really see anything with anyone else pregnant complaining about it making them sick, so I guess I’ll just talk about it with my OB doctor :(. Ugh…Gosh, this post is long lol. Well…hopefully my relationship problems will get better or something…or maybe I’ll just get over it. —as if. ugh……..I’m just going to dread telling my mom that I resigned :(
You and him are Pussy hungry bastards…and if he has hoes coming over, then I’m sure he’s asking that bitch to bring a friend so you won’t be lonely…I can’t deal. You left me again, saying you didn’t know where you’re going, and cursed me out for telling you you’re cheating on me…I’m not opening the door for you. How can you be this way to your pregnant girlfriend?? After just making me more promises?! so many people think I’m beautiful and worth being with, and I kept settling for you…and you’re not even my type…I have so many regrets, and I’m not ashamed to admit. Maybe I just needed this…:’(. I need someone else to invest my time in…so I can stop thinking about you…I feel crazy…and vulnerable as fuck…and I don’t want to love you any longer………….
I haven’t been this hurt and confused in a long time…I’m really tired of everything, especially life. I try to keep in mind that I have a little one inside of me, but at the same time, I think of how it probably won’t even make it due to all of the fussing and fighting I’ve been going through each and every single day…I am so unhappy. I have a job as a nurse, which is totally unexpected. I applied, kit I didn’t expect to get it…when I first got it, I was kinda happy, but now I wanna leave already. I feel awkward and out of place, and one of the clients they gave me to was racist, and nobody told me until AFTER they took me through hell and back…she insulted me to the fullest…even talked about my mom…and she didn’t even Fucking know me…I almost cried. I’d never been in that situation before…she was a nasty old woman..and I hated her. My internet is off, and I’m using it elsewhere, and I’m so goddamned annoyed bc some damn woman is smacking on her food across from me, and I just want to throw my keys at her!! Ugh…on top of that, he’s barely been around me…yet he apologizes for his actions, but keeps doing the same shit. We made up yesterday, and he finally came home…but I felt as though he was playing with me…bc he smelled like condom…and he had some (claiming his aunt took him to the health department with her)..so??? We’ve never used Fucking condoms………….we’re having all these relationship problems and he still, even though he promised me he’d stop, left me and went back to the Fucking streets……..I ended our relationship. And I honestly plan to set all his shit on fire…….and I want to take a day off, bc I’m in the worst mood ever. I want something different again…idk why I decided to give another black guy a Fucking chance…idk why! I’m miserable. He was perfect, and now he’s just a bitch ass Motherfucker. I cut myself the other day, and I felt guilty….kind of…I’m just kind of talking about everything that comes to mind, bc my head is Fucking spinning…I am totally breaking down…well, I feel broken…completely. and unloved…not cared for…not desired…and I can’t even do any of the things I’d love to do bc I’m pregnant….honestly, I want another lover. I do…I really do, and I’m tired of pretending I don’t. I feel so bad and vulnerable that I probably won’t even be that picky…I mean, I want them to be physically attractive, bc I wanna be able to look at them and get turned on and stuff…ugh…idk. I just wanna start over with life…:’( fml…I made him like my only friend…and he’s gone…I keep making the same mistakes………I give all of my trust and love to the wrong people!!!!
I’m 7 weeks and 1 day, and I’ve decided not to take any of my bipolar medications during my pregnancy, even though I was just prescribed “pregnancy safe” ones yesterday. I’m just so scared of something bad happening, and I wanna be on the safe side. my emotions are so crazy…I’m so depressed and paranoid. I can’t sleep worth anything, and I’m throwing up CONSTANTLY. all I want is sleep, but I’m so sick that I can’t make myself fall :(. I’ve found myself kind of wanting a pregnancy buddy, so we can complain and share things together so I won’t feel so alone…I’m really hating this, and I can’t wait until my sickness eases up!! How are other pregnant bipolar women handling things?? People keep saying it’s supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but so far it’s pretty terrible. I’m so ready for everything to be over with! Plus, I’m super duper scared of labor 0_o lol…ugh. :’( help me!!!
Oh my goodness…
After 7 years of trying to conceive, I’ve finally tested positive! I’m kind of in shock, bc I had JUST made the decision to give it a rest for a moment & focus on other things, but now this has come up. I’m having so many mixed emotions, and I’m just like wow…this is kinda scary. I hope it’s not a false alarm ^_^ Lol…<3