Victorian Tumblr Themes
--FACEBOOK.COM/THEREALPSYCHOPATHICLETTE-- My name is Najaeli. My name is French, Hispanic, & Middle Eastern. I'm a 22 year old drummer, pianist, artist, photographer, poetry, song, & story writer from hellish ass Mississippi. I have Bipolar Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder. I love women<3. I'm odd, yet very sweet. I'm extremely shy & sensitive, and I cherish all of my true friends. I express my emotions a lot, and I'm very opinionated. I love piercings. I have 13 of them. I also have three kitties, and I love them to death. I love taking pictures of myself, yet I think I'm pretty ugly...?? Anyway, take the time to follow my close friend, Kearron Pittman @kearronpittman.tumblr.com . ^___^
Venting…

Postpartum depression is no joke.


I’ve said it before, & I’m saying it again. No, it’s nothing like I’d endanger my child’s life or wanna self harm (so trying not to), but I just wish my mom was more of the emotional type like I am. While crying all day, she made me feel a million times worse, because she doesn’t understand my mental illnesses & postpartum on top of that. It’s too much. I’m out of ativan, & I’ve been holding off on taking my Xanax bars, but I went ahead and took my last one tonight while my mom is sleeping with Tyler tonight, because I felt another panic attack coming on…now all I have is one more percocet left for my pain from giving birth, but I haven’t eaten today, so I didn’t take it…though I know it’ll put me to sleep, which is what I need. The Xanax bar has me somewhat calmer, but not really. I’ve been feeling even more down, because after bashing me for crying, & scaring the hell out of me for expressing my feelings & making me feel ashamed of my depression & like I’m just…(crazy) I hate that word…she told me to just talk to her then, bc I kept saying she doesn’t understand & she’s making me feel like crap. She says she doesn’t know what to do or tell me…& that I’m getting help with my doctors & whatnot, but I opened up to her and told her I couldn’t care less about the doctors “helping” & prescribing me meds….that all I’ve been wanting for years and years is a more emotional connection from her, & that that could make me feel so much better about myself and life..it’s all I want. She says “it’s not what we (the others in the family) do”…they don’t express their feelings like that…and whatever else…and she told me that since I’ve hated that so much, to be sure to raise Tyler differently….which I plan on doing, because I don’t want him searching for and longing for an emotional connection from many others, & longing to hear me say I love him & verbalize other feelings of love. Don’t get me wrong…my mom expresses she loves me in so many other ways. She’s different from most moms. She takes care of me. I never want or need for anything at all. She does so much for me and ensures I am okay in life and everything…I guess what I’m saying is I just wish she’d verbalize her feelings…hug me…give me kisses…I remember her being so proud of me when I’d do awesome in school…and college…but since I’ve stopped going bc of a bad abusive relationship, & needed a break, she’s made me feel even more ashamed and doesn’t realize her words hurt. She says she doesn’t mean to “hurt” me…she just “tells the truth”. She doesn’t understand that I know the truth & bash myself damn near everyday for things….she’s concerned about my relationship bc she doesn’t want anyone hurting her child emotionally & etc…she’s wonderful and I appreciate her I promise I do. Ugh…I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Hopefully, he will keep me on ativan + whatever else meds he puts me on. It made me feel so calm & I felt a mess without it today…I’m trying to stray away from agnosticism (if possible), & I think I said a wonderful prayer for me, my baby, Willie, & our families…Willie has his bad moments obviously, but I appreciate and adore when he’s okay. He’s the sweetest when he’s not in a bad mood……….my mom doesn’t see that my mind wonders about my relationship too…bc of all the suspicious things that go on…that’s what we argue about most of the time….:( well, I just hope that I can get the help that I need, and that opening up to my mom about how much I need her emotionally will help something…I want things better and my depression to slack up…I’ve found myself scared to death about the thought of raising my child, & all of the anxiety of being a good parent. There’s so much more I wanna say, but I think I’m going to get off of here for a little bit…I just needed to get that out. Thank you…..

Appreciation (Again)

I have the sweetest Tumblr fam. Knowing there’s others out there like me feels comforting, & it helps me get through some of my issues. Thanks for reading my crazy, random & disturbing thoughts lol. I don’t get why you’d want to, but thanks once again

Because I had the worst panic attacks in the world immediately after labor, they put me on ativan…I enjoy it a lot. It’s kept me very calm & mellowed out…when I see my psychiatrist in the next few days, I want him to keep me on it…& add a few other things. Does anyone else love ativan?? & has anyone ever had Sonata before?? How have they worked for you?? I’ve read sonata is better than ambien…

When Sunny Gets Blue…

In a mere moment, I thought I had felt blissful. Then, it shattered right before my eyes. Every feeling of warmth & goodness, soon turned into coldness & deep depression. All I see now is a beautiful creation before me, that is the aftermath of a [once adored] situation. These feelings are familiar, but at the same time, they hurt a little more intensely. The rollercoaster had reached its peak, & now it has fallen hard & fast. I scream, & scream, & scream…but nobody hears me. Nobody sees the clouds & storm that is brewing in my eyes, reflecting the hurt, pain, & confusion within my soul. Instead, they see a “pretty face” with “beautiful hair” & a “lovely smile”. I could cry & cut, but something won’t let me. I could take pill after pill, until every bottle is empty…but something won’t let me. Now, all I see are two beautiful eyes staring at me, depending on me, & loving me unconditionally. Why shall I continue to destroy myself trying to show someone what they are (maybe) worth & build them up, when I can become stronger & appreciated for life, showing my seed to never become like [y o u]. I give up. & I give into my new true love…….Tyler Grayson, for I know I will raise him well enough to know how to l o v e.