Every time I try to make these minor changes to myself, I can’t seem to do it. One minute I’m motivated, and the next, it’s all gone…I blame my disorders, but when will I be able to take better control of my emotions & actions?? Other people may not be able to see what I’m doing so great, but I do, and I’m honestly not proud :(. Plus, I’ve been eating my feelings lately, and I feel horrible. I just need to stop, like totally…I feel it catching up. I know it is…I just wanna take my meds & stop eating…for a really long time until I feel good again…idk…I’m hating myself all over again. Then, I feel really crappy for the way I’ve been treating William, even though he totally deserves it more than half the time, but I can do better. I need to do better…he has it hard enough. I mean, he’s homeless…though it seems like I care about his well-being way more than he does…it’s sad. I know I don’t have to deal with this crap, but for some reason I choose to. I’ve gone the whole day not talking to him, and I feel empty and kind of sad. We’ve never gone a day without talking or seeing each other. We got into it so horribly last night…then I disappeared. I have this horrible habit or disappearing from everybody’s life…ugh. I’m not going to leave his life, though, I just want him to miss me for a day or two. Tomorrow should be easy, bc I’ll be working all day. Anyway, I’m a little pissed bc I really wanted to see Webbie in concert tonight…I love him :). I miss him every time he comes, though…I bet he’s performing “What’s Happenin’”…I love that song lol. Maybe if I weren’t ignoring Willie, he’d pay for me to watch the concert…but oh well. *sighs…

I just really want him to fuck my brains out right now… -__- goddamned sexual frustration—why am I even having these problems right now?? Smh…I might as well just prepare myself for work in the morning. Ugh…

Everytime that I feel that things are going up…they slowly come crashing back down. I’ve lost interest in everything and everyone again, and now it seems as though everyone hates me, because I don’t want them, but I want my boyfriend—who has proven his self to be totally unworthy…and my few girlfriends. My women are fine. I love them and they love me…no problems there. The real problems lie within my “man” and it sucks. We were supposed to be trying to get a freaking place together, but he doesn’t want ot go to work tonight. He works at a freaking factory, and their rules are ridiculous, so I feel as though he’d be fired and looking crazier than usual…I’m tired of telling him not to do all of these stupid and immature things, and to keep his promises—such as quitting smoking & other mess I disprove. It’s annoying as hell, and my trust issues are basically thrown out of the window, because I keep catching him in so much bullshit, yet I love him so much, that I haven’t left completely yet. I want to though…I kinda wish I could. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the past and what things I could have done differently. I wonder where I’d be today if I pursued certain people. or didn’t hurt them b/c I wasn’t interested enough…There’s this nice guy that has been wanting me for years, and he got so hurt yesterday, because Willie & I set our relationship statuses to “Engaged”, and he thought we were through and it was his turn. I feel guilty for it…Like I said, he’s nice, but he just isn’t all the way my type…it’s like the nice people have everything going for themselves that we NEED, but the older I get, the more I realize that I need certain things in some areas that those certain people are lacking. Anyway, sometimes I don’t want to care about William anymore, and just do my own thing. Sometimes I DO do my own thing…but in the end, I always end up caring, and feeling bad for whatever it is. I guess I blame my borderline. I hate having it. I’m still in search of another psycvhiatrist, and it’s Hell. I’m extremely depressed, because I have to go through so much. The only thing that’s working for me currently is Ambien, because it makes me happy and forgetful about all the problems I have…I’ve been using it as an antidepressant, and now I’m starting to run out of it, and I just got it refilled the other day. I’ve been eating so much of it…:’(. My regular doc also has me on this stupid crap called Chlorpromazine (thorazine) and it sucks butt to me…I’ve been on better things, and I can’t wait to be on better things that will actually do something for me other than making me want to fall asleep on a table…I had also started back trying to take my Prozac, because I had some refills left of it, and it was such a mistake. It made me totally sick and just ANGRY…I have been spazzing out of Willie like crazy lately, but then again, 98% of the time, he brings it on his self for his crazy horrible decisions…I want the place with him, because I’ll be home alone at night [if he can keep his job] and I could definitely use the privacy…but at the same time, Idk if I can put up with his habits like that…I’m trying though…this is just too much. Maybe I can get my grandfather’s old place and just have it to myself…or my mom will help us get this place together. ugh…Just writing random thoughts :(

He fell asleep with his dick inside me…yeah, as I’m writing this post o_o. Hmm…we fuck like rabbits. I never thought I’d be addicted to dick again, like I was with my ex of 6 years, but apparently we’ve gotten to that level. I still miss her pussy though :(. We both hung out with her the other night. I can tell the feelings are still there…ugh…

vastderp:

Being skeptical that another person can be incapacitated by a mental illness because you cope just fine with your problems is basically the same as saying “I don’t understand why other people’s brakes fail, because my car works great.”

So, his mother & his cousin have been wanting me to help him manage his money, but it’s like he’s so fucking hardheaded that shit can happen. How can I help you do things, if you don’t want to commit to anything?? He’s supposed to stop smoking weed & other bullshit like that, but he does it behind my back. I’m seriously getting turned off to the fullest, and I just don’t know. I love him dearly, and he’s been good emotional support to me and all, but lately, I can’t help but feel as though I’m missing something. I need constant affection, love, and attention, and he’s been giving it to me like crazy, but lately, it sort of hasn’t been the same…he doesn’t text as much. We used to be together 24/7, so there wasn’t even a need for it like that, but since I haven’t been around him too TOO much, I just feel sorta crappy about things. I’m confused about our relationship, and honestly, I’ve been thinking about ignoring him for a little while just to see what happens…Idk…I feel like if I had another girlfriend, I wouldn’t even care as hard.

I didn’t know I had so many messages in my inbox. I never ever look at it :/. I get so caught up with looking at all these cool pictures, people, & blogging, that I just forget it exists lol…