Okay…I don’t talk about this too much anymore, because I’ve been depressed as fuck. Besides being depressed as fuck, of course you know I’m bisexual. I have A LOT of girlfriends…& my girlfriends love and support me very much, & so much to the point of where they can allllll be together loving me & being sexy at the same time with no jealousy. It sounds like a man’s dream huh? :/ lol. Idk why it’s like that, because I don’t think I’m cool or anything, but they do lol. I’m a freak. I love sex. I’m a Scorpio, so I love it even more than the next person. I like to fuck every day, all day—day in & day out. I HAVE NO HAD SEX IN A FUCKING WEEK, (dick) & IT IS THE MOST GOD AWFUL THING EVER. This son of a bitch can’t even sex me anymore. So, I’m convinced he’s sexing someone else, & if I catch him & another bitch, I will go to prison. STRAIGHT UP. I’m crazy, lol. I thought that even the sorriest motherfucker would STILL AT LEAST fuck his damn female. Smh, apparently I thought wrong. Well…I feel like I have to do some things that I’ve been trying not to do, & it’s a little out of character, but fuck it. He’s neglected & hurt & disrespected me to the fullest…so just fuck him to hell. I need stress relief
Damn You All!
People are so goddamned stupid, I just wanna break their fucking faces with bricks repeatedly!!!!!!!!
My emotions are hell. This year is hell. Everything is fucking hell. One minute I’m feeling optimistic or at least somewhat hopeful, & the next I just wanna cut everything off again. It was always that way, of course. But now, it’s seeming worse than it usually is…I guess because of hormones or whatever.
I read some crap his brother posted on Fb that I totally felt was directed to me. His brother is like 16-17 or some shit. He seemed a little more mature than Willie, & he said I’m his sister/family & I could come to him about everything. The hurtful statuses I read shredded me, b/c I guess I have this bad thing where I trust people a little too easily :’(. Vulnerability? Idk…Like, I posted alot of statuses last night. I talk shit. That’s what I do…I always have for years. I don’t direct it towards anybody, but Willie got online & started bashing me…calling me bitches & threatening to slap the shit outta me & other stuff that shouldn’t have been said. He always does that, & it’s so embarrassing & hurtful & just makes him and us as a couple look terrible…but he never seems to care. He can’t fucking quit doing it, and I have to log in as him & take all of the shit down whenever I notice it…….yeah. His brother went off on his profile…talking about how nobody gives two shits…saying I cause drama [how in the shit do I fucking cause THAT…when all I ever do is speak up for being mistreated], & called me a dumb ass & other things like that. It hurt my fucking feelings, and I didn’t even see the shit until a few minutes ago. so, I posted something as a response, & said nobody will have a goddamn thing to do with me or what’s about to come. At all…period. & why? B/c they don’t fucking deserve it. Nobody is helping me, caring about me or the child’s well being, keeping me relaxed, or even fucking spending time with me. Just fuck it. I open up to people…& they turn into jerks. I’m tired of it. I want to move away secretly & not tell anyone but my mom where I’m at, and I want to take my white girlfriend with me, b/c she’s damn near the only supportive person [besides my family of course] that’s here…Okay. When I talk about nobody being here, I’m EXCLUDING my mom/family. They’re VERY here…always have been. Anyway…sorry for rambling. I’m just really hurt, confused, & lost at the moment, & I’m considering making an emergency appointment today, b/c things don’t feel right with my body. Also, I’m just way way way too stressed. He’s already been saying fucked up shit about how the baby isn’t going to make it anyway…but he blames my being stressed on MYSELF, as though he has nothing to do with it………shit hurts. Why wait ‘til now to not be shit? You had plenty of time to let me go if you weren’t ready…why now??? I’m just like fuck everybody. His mom was there, but after that status, I feel like all that shit is fake too. My trust is just totally gone. & I don’t like to be forced into being the fucking bad guy when all I’ve done was be there for his unappreciative behind. I was there when he got locked up & raised funds to get him out, I fucking gave him a place to stay when he got kicked out…when I had money he had money, I have a nice ass fucking car that I ran the shit out of to get him to wherever he needed & helped him look for a fucking job everyday…just all kinds of shit I’ve done…I believed in him more than he believed in his self. I tried to be his fucking backbone, and the way I get repaid is by getting tons of disrespect, name calling, & just a ton of other crap. It’s like I haven’t done shit at all. & the fucking brother said I don’t have shit in my life or something like that…i’m like okay, I fucking have a lot of achievements in my fucking life. ESPECIALLY in school. Like…fuck you guys.
I Shall Overcome
I guess I’m finally understanding what’s supposed to happen. I always knew it & everything, but I just couldn’t face it. The more and more things happen, the easier it seems to let it go, & for some totally idiotic reason, my voice is not being heard or cared about any longer in this relationship. I’ve devoted my all…& I talk day in & day out, expressing my emotions of hurt & pain from a dead-end relationship, just to constantly be ignored & disrespected. Yes, I’ve had better. I’ve had more than better. I’ve had excellent & wonderful, but I pushed it all to the side for something that was way less than I ever should’ve had. I don’t want to lower my standards any longer. I’m not only disgusted with this relationship, but most of all, I’m disappointed in myself. It’s one thing to accept someone-flaws & all, & it’s another thing to just SETTLE FOR LESS. I am an educated female, full of love & compassion, devotion & care. I am willing to give it all, & I only ask for all of you in return. Is true, unconditional love, care, appreciation, dedication, respect, & fidelity too much to ask for? No. It’s just not the right person. Instead of preparing yourself for what’s about to come into this world, you’d rather search for another female. These ugly, stank hoes. When there’s REAL LOVE in your face. You don’t even have a reason as to why you’re doing it to me…& you bash me for feeling awful, & say it’s just “my mind/stupid emotions”. NO, it’s YOUR LACK OF BEING A REAL MAN. I enjoy dating outside of my race. I enjoy the variety. I like dating women more than men, also. I have women who love and support me more than you ever have & could, & I appreciate them so, so much! If trash is what you want, continue chasing that trash. What I deserve has been pushed off to the side for far to long, & I’m going to just allow it to come back into my life, so that I CAN BE HAPPY ONCE AND FOR ALL. I want a FAMILY. I want a LIFE. I want it all! Damn you!!!! I regret all of this, but NOT my baby. I regret you led me on to believe you were somebody. I regret taking you seriously, or even responding to you stupid pickup line! I regret taking fertility drugs for YOU to give YOU a gift, when it should’ve been someone else’s treasure! I regret each and every single thing, & I WILL overcome this. I WILL……..
lostinthesewoods: Hi there, my name's Ali and I recently published a book called 'Asphyxia.' It's about a young woman with BPD and dissociative amnesia. It's inspired by my own experience with BPD. I don't know if you're interested in that sort of thing, but I always wanted to read more fiction with characters who have BPD. I could never find a satisfying book that wasn't too depressing. Anyway, just google 'Blythe Asphyxia' and you'll find it. (There's another Ali Blythe out there so make sure to add Asphyxia.)
Hello there, nice to meet you! & I am definitely interested. Reading about disorders, especially ones that I have, is always something I enjoy to do. Thank you for informing me about your book, & congrats on publishing it! I’ll check it out :D
Letter of Appreciation
Like, heyyyyy all you people! I don’t know many of you personally, & you don’t know me, but I just want to thank each & everyone of you all for following me for whatever reason it may be! I’m strange & depressing as fuck lol. I’m well aware of it & so are my very close friends. I have decided to use this page as sort of a diary/journal [obviously], because I had no idea that there were so many other people out there that feel the way I feel & go through the same things I do, if not worse. It makes me feel really comforted, knowing that I can say & post what I want without horrible people cursing at me or just being really freaking cruel. I’m just a believer in, if you don’t like something you’re reading, just don’t read that shit. Well, thank you all again. I hope that you all are making it okay throughout your journey! Hopefully, someday I will find my place in this world [even a little bit], & will have happier stories for you all. & until then, I appreciate you accepting my sadness.<3<3<3<3
The only thing that makes me feel good & happy are my cats. I have four of them. I love them so freaking much. They’re like my children. Animals are so much better than people, and Idk what I’d do if anything happened to them. <3